day two-hundred six: am i alive?

i'm conscious
i'm breathing
my heart bleeds
lungs receiving
all works in tempo
all works the same
a broken heart
means i'm alive.

day one hundred eighty-nine: just another heartbroken morning.

"funny, i thought after spilling it all out
then sleeping it all out
i'd wake up today
and it would all have gone away,
but no, i was wrong-- so wrong--
it still hurts today."

"it will for a while."

"okay."

what more is there to say?
be strong?
carry on?
smile away the hurt?
why care so much what others feel?
care for yourself for once?
maybe, i'm afraid to feel.

day one hundred sixty-five: life gives us choices.

out on a limb
i'm scared to death
doing the right thing
i hope i am

out on a limb
afraid to move
done the right thing
i guess we'll see

out on a limb
did life hand me this crown?
or did it fall from some
forsaken brow?

and i just happened upon it
because it's a jewel i've been lusting after
for years of my life
i just hope it shines with as much luster
as rumor has it should

day one hundred fifty-eight: high school, oh, high school.

the past
such a warm fuzzy place
even if it isn't full of perfect memories
it's so nice to be there
because if you're looking back
that means you survived it
and those trials you experienced
that you thought would kill you
merely kept you stumped for a while
and now you're looking back
through the boxes of high school memories
thinking and remembering
and reliving the past
and seeing all those opportunities missed
and all those opportunities taken
and all those smiles that were spent
with people you never thought you'd miss
until tomorrow, that is
and tomorrow's tomorrow,
because those days aren't warm and fuzzy
and tomorrow never will be for certain
because you've got no control
it's coming and there's no stopping it
no staying in this moment forever
you're closer and closer to tomorrow
and when you look back on today
this moment
right now
be sure you made it what you want it to be
because it's only warm and fuzzy
if you survive
to look back
on yesterday.

day one hundred twenty-five: why do you get it?

i don't expect you to get it

that i want to be alone

but that i still feel

lonely sometimes

that i'm kinda crazy too

but sometimes you do

and it makes me miss you

even more than i used too

so i almost wish

you didn't understand so much

because now it's like i'm missing

part of me and all of you.

day one hundred-one:

it's funny how

you still feel the same

and tasted the same

but at the same time

so much is no longer the same

after kisses

lips must be bitten

there's almost always talk of kittens

and sometimes, moments of "whoa"

but usually it's just us

two friends

hugging for warmth

and for that inner feeling of "whoa"

from head to toe

that a "real" hug can give

and there's so much to be thought of

but i wont think it tonight

because i can still taste the spaghetti-o's from when

i was eight

thanks, friend

you're great.

day eighty-nine: i know this will be misunderstood, but it must be said.

nights like this

i miss you more

and more

and

more.

nights so cool

and chill

and more

and

more.

nights where coyotes

howl and scream

and more

and

more.

nights when the moon

just seems so near

and more

and

more.

nights like this

i simply miss

the sound of my name

and more

i miss the sound of yours

and more

rolling of a tongue

and more

and so i'll whisper it

and more

into nights like these.

fix my heart.

day eighty-one: could you just...?

could you just

really listen?

could you just

really hear me?

could i just

follow my own rules?

could i just

make up my own mind?

could i just

breathe for a minute?

before you run me over

with your endless questions

and trivial statements

about who i am

and what i've done.

would you mind

ignoring my bull-headedness?

because that mass behind my eyes

(brain?)

it hurts

from all these thoughts

and all this frustration

and because i'm just tired

of assumptions

being thrown at me

and i'm tired of assuming

i know who i am

because i don't have a clue.

honestly.

day seventy-two: bipolar, love.

there's this knot in my throat

and it misses you

there's a kink in my heart

and it hurts for you

there's a place in my mind

that still thinks about you

and sometimes there's a me

that comes out and admits

to wishing things were the way they were.

why would i want that?

i wish it were mind games i was playing

i wish i could be angry at you

but you're just not that kind

and i'm not either

i wasn't "happy"

i wasn't where i needed to be

so where was i, exactly?

and why do i find myself wanting to go back?

day sixty-nine: you changed.

it breaks my heart

to have to say

somewhere behind

your eyes

you've changed

my words are rushed

i'm sorry

i must explain

somewhere, something

behind your eyes

isn't the same

i'm not asking you not to change

i want you too

i want to, too

but i'm afraid

of the change

that i sense

behind your gaze

because i feel like

it'll break me

and i don't want that.

i want to stand tall,

change

and be me.

day sixty-eight: when i grow up.

there are things

i want to see

people i want

to touch

things i want to be

when i grow up

when i grow up

i'll conquer the world

but don't worry

you will hardly notice

because it's just something

some were born to do

i wont let you take my light

you may not steal my life

and squeeze my passion into some

magical potion of a cocktail

you can't have my secrets either

the deepest ones that are hidden

somewhere deep inside this poet

there are things i want

things i want to be

to do

to see

to touch

to enjoy

to be a part of

to be

and i'm not sure if

with or without you is one.

i'm just praying

i'll figure it out.

day sixty-six: doubting heart.

mix the feelings

like a snowy slush

flood them over the dam

churn them up

like an upset stomach

trying to escape

shake me up

my hands are shaking

from the old confusion i've come to know

change the feelings

toward one or the other

and feel the epic guilt

fix the broken

things that are deep

buried beneath the oceans

dive down deep

and dig them

dig up the doubts i keep

take them ashore

and hide them away

don't let me see where they are

for if i notice

where the sand has been disturbed

i'll dig till death for my doubting heart.

day fifty-four: what would happen?

what would happen if

i simply let loose?

if i let go of the hands

i've been told to hold

for my entire life?

what would happen if

i forgot that i remember

all the stinking rules?

what if i decided not to care?

what would happen then?

would the world crumble?

would the spinning stop?

would my world dizzy up and

fall over like a stopping top?

would it matter if i let go?

why am i even holding on?

who taught me this vice grip

that i have on things that are "right"?

who put that there?

not me.

not my problem.

not my hands.

i don't have to hold them.

what would happen

if i just didn't...?

why don't we just see

what would happen

if i did didn't.

day fifty-one: plans?

see,

there are these things

they are called plans

and we've never needed them...

so why

am i trying so hard

to plan

when i let my heart

be yours?

because i'm afraid.

i'm terrified

and i've been told that

that is the point of love

to be terrified of the newness

and the oldness and the perfection that will never be there

to be open to heartbreak

and to help one another

i'm afraid that i'll get lost

i'll lose myself in you

and i wont be able to come out

not whole, not safe, not me.

i'm terrified of

ending up like those before me

of jumping this gun

of ending... us... ever.

of being judged.

i'm basically scared

and i'm finding my faith

and my trust

and my reasons to be brave

just wait,

i'll find them soon

i can feel it in my

shaking hands

there's something just there

just out of reach

something that will make me realize

its okay for me to be

happy.

day forty-nine: God said so.

something

i did

it was the hardest thing

i've ever chosen to do

but it was the right thing

God said so.

but now there's you

and staying away

is the hardest thing i'm doing now

and i don't really want to

honestly, i'd rather not

but it is the right thing to do

for right now

God said so.

day forty-seven: us.

what are you two?

people ask

but there are no words

none at all

to describe this.

we are simply two people,

friends,

but sometimes much more,

sometimes much less,

it changes with the days

and there is simply not a name

for this blessed relationship

and who needs a name?

especially when you're as happy

as two pods in a pea.

day forty-five: adventures.

i want to take you to a place

thats public

but not

a place called the park

where we can swing

on rubber seats

attached to metal poles by sturdy chains

and we can be free

i want to sit out on a quilt

and take pictures of your face

as the sun sets

and eat grapes and cheese

(because you know that's

my new favorite combination)

with you while we talk about music

and people

and what we want to do with ourselves

and the things we are unsure of

and the things we are positive of

and discuss books that we want to read

and how many i might write someday

we can walk and talk

then drive and listen

and just exist

exploring

ourselves with one another

from the outside in.

i want to go on adventures with you

will that be okay?

day forty-four: three word phrase.

you know that three word phrase?

the one that rhymes with dippity-doo?

and expresses a certain emotion...

one that happens between two people,

that one?

well, i do feel that dippity-doo for you

and i know i've told you

but i'm afraid

i'll admit it

that the phrase will be overused

worn out

and a crutch later on...

maybe i'm crazy

maybe i'm just scared

that the three word phrase

is taking over my world

and if it's worn out,

or no longer meant

my world might fall down

my heart might be ripped

and i'll survive, sure

and so will you

but i guess what i'm saying is:

i'm afraid to lose the

dippity i have for you.

day forty-three: road map of a heart.

trying to straighten out

and understand

and figure out

the road map

of his heart

the destination unknown

and the direction hardly thought out

and the travel plans unheard of

but it's okay

because getting lost

will be the best part

and finding my way out

will help me to get a head start

on figuring out

the road map

of his heart.

day forty-two: who are you?

i feel you

i see you

i smell you

you're here

but who are you?

/

i thought i knew?

guess i was wrong...

but don't misunderstand

i do want to know

so i'll roll your name

around on my tongue until it rolls out

like dough beneath a bakers hand

/

and i'll say it aloud until it is as simple as

saying "hello" when answering a telephone

and "have a nice day" after receiving a tip from a customer

even "do you want power play?" when selling a lottery ticket

/

that's what you are to me

the jackpot

/

a winning ticket

that is being carried in my pocket

like an unfulfilled dream

not yet cashed in

but still a winner

/

that's you

and i'll know you better

day after day

/

who are you, again?

i don't think i ever really knew,

but i'm always up for learning

something new.