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"A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures." The Picture of Dorian Gray

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

day one hundred thirty-five: change in the tide.

this worrisome feeling
wont leave me alone
why do i worry
for you

this strange new feeling
wont get out of my gut
why do i wonder
when it will end

there's a creepy tide
rolling inside my soul
and it's going to take over
i'm losing control

there's a change in the wind
and a shift under foot
and i'm not fighting anymore
i'd rather just let it happen
because sooner or later
it'll happen
why do i worry for you?

Monday, November 29, 2010

day one hundred thirty-four: not even love.

intoxicate
your mind
with memories
unwind
the thoughts
of yesteryear
when all we had to fear
were thoughts inside our minds
not actions--
never defined
only imaginative instances
when we had all our defenses
up
and nothing
not even love
could bring us down

Sunday, November 28, 2010

day one hundred thirty-three: there are tears.

there are tears
and they wont stop
because they carry
the biggest fears
from my brain
out my eyes
around my nose
down my cheeks
together at my chin
where they are released into the air
just to begin that water cycle
all over again
there are tears
and they wont stop
because they carry
the biggest fears
and the biggest fears
are the hardest
to overcome

Saturday, November 27, 2010

day one hundred thirty-two: lonely soul.

constantly wondering
how many more days
i can simply make it
pretending that i'm okay alone
pretending that lonely
is my favorite state of mind
because it's not
theres an archaic ache
inside my soul
to be matched with someone
someone much like me
but much different, too
and there's this part
that wont shut up
no matter how long i suppress it
it returns with roaring glory
"you're alone..."
"there's no getting out..."
"there's no one there..."
and the lies it whispers
i nieve-ly believe
because lonely is the saddest state
the saddest state of mind.

Friday, November 26, 2010

day one hundred thirty-one: come, death, lay with me.

ghosts laughed
and they cried
and they listened to
the midnight rhymes
and they let the leaves fall
from the trees so tall
tumbling down
laying on the ground
i lay beneath the surface
never to be touched
by such a beautiful leaf
only a root
digging in deep
penetrating the being that is me
breaking through the fibers
that create my soul
and it is selfish
with its unholy craving
to suck the life
from my life filled bones
come, death, lay with me
beneath the stone cold ground.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

day one hundred thirty: nails on a chalkboard.

fingernails on chalkboards
raw in circles they go
breaking the silence
breaking the flow
of sanity and the sane and the perfection
and the fingernails they are dirty
beneath them is mud and sand
and they separate the nail from the flesh
and tear the insides apart
much like an arrow through the soul
would separate the marrow
lets just fake the smiles
and pretend our nails are no longer dirty
and scrape our beautiful chalkboard
until the demons cry their last.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

day one hundred twenty-nine: lets be there for one another.

lets waste one another
use one another
let the tensions relax
lets face one another
embrace one another
let the fusion begin
lets watch one another
grow and mold and ruin
let the massacre begin.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

day one hundred twenty-eight: broken pieces, broken dreams.

anxiety
lies
sometimes i'm ugly
inside and outside
i want to rip something in two
and fit it back together
in a whole new way
something of an art
like that time you took my heart
tore it in half
shoved the pieces back together
and laid them in my hands?
that was my biggest art project
and it taught me that life never goes
the way you want
but that's the artsy part
you get to figure out what to do
with all the broken pieces
and all the broken dreams
of yesterday.

Monday, November 22, 2010

day one hundred twenty-seven: comforting conformity.

i wonder if i'm crazy
in the head sometimes
because i realize
how much easier it would be
to just settle for less
than what i want
and it tempts me
the mediocrity
it tempts me with its instant gratification
and its long eyelashes
and its fleshy flesh
its comfort and conformity
and i just think to myself
it would be so much easier to make this bed
with someone standing on the other side
to tell me if the sheet is lopsided.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

day one hundred twenty-six: clone.

you take something that nobody wants
and turn it into something that everyone craves
and call it yours
your concoction
your mixture of human
almost a new person
then you leave it all alone
like some sort of silly baby clone
and hope it does alright on its own
well now its turned upside down
and turned inside out
and all around
and it's just not alright
to leave it cold and new
and just let it find it's own
cause it's not who it wanted to be
its what you wanted it to be
but that doesn't make me any less human.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

day one hundred twenty-five: why do you get it?

i don't expect you to get it
that i want to be alone
but that i still feel
lonely sometimes
that i'm kinda crazy too
but sometimes you do
and it makes me miss you
even more than i used too
so i almost wish
you didn't understand so much
because now it's like i'm missing
part of me and all of you.

Friday, November 19, 2010

day one hundred twenty-four: who understands?

Who Understands?
(Written 10/21/08)

they lock the doors,
so i stay inside;
they threw away the key,
so i live without hope;
they take my will,
so i am useless;
they twist my words
and i am broken;
they make me feel guilt,
so i live with my tears;
they feed me bitterness,
so my heart grows cold;
they take away my voice,
so i live in silence;
they take my innocence,
and my soul grows black;
i cannot walk through locked doors,
or love with a bitter heart;
who understands when i say
this is painful?
who understands when i say
i want out?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

day one hundred twenty-three: today.

and suddenly
reality
feels so far away
try as i might
i refuse to fight
the feelings of today
somehow they are relevant
and matter here and now
and maybe someday
someway somehow
i'll stumble upon reality
and this will fix itself.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

day one hundred twenty-two: evil all around.

evil evil all around
seeping from the vents
evil evil will surround
the sleeping children's tents
evil evil all around
breathing like a beast
evil evil all around
waiting for the feast
evil evil all around
slinks and slobbers in the night
evil evil all around
waiting to take a bite
evil evil all around
devours the rip red fruit
evil evil all around
it might be coming after you

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

day one hundred twenty-one: dear mine.

dear mine,
i am here
waiting for you
not to come "sweep me off my feet"
i can do without the showy
romantic cliches
but to show up in the shadows
and to, maybe, catch me off guard?
i wonder if you really do
even exist?
are you waiting for me to find you?
well, maybe i will.
i wont promise a dream come true
but i can promise to love you
like no other will ever love you.
treat me "right"
love me much
dont neglect the smallest touch
just be there
be around
let me enjoy finding
what i have found
don't expect me to dive right in
i'll be hesitant, at least, my friend,
but i'll be yours if you wait out the storm
and let me walk the tight rope
i'm stringing along
let me walk it for a while
to prove i can walk it alone.

Monday, November 15, 2010

day one hundred-twenty: my "Scream".

my own scream
in my own ears
echoing
from distant years
eons of ions
displacing the tritons
of the deep
black hair
whipped around
splayed in a frantic frizz
a billion dots make the sky
a brightly dim yellow and red
the minuscule dots
touch and cross
to make a cloudless sky
and on the bridge that black headed girl
stands face in hands
there are two walking away
their shadows hold five hundred
there are devils crawling up the bridge
like trolls from deep caverns
and a scream
infinitely painted
upon her paleish face
keeps her frightened of the mob
and of the devils' face
but when studied closely you'll see
a glimmer in her eye
that glimmer there remains
the change she will bring upon the world
if you just let her try.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

day one hundred-nineteen: only the lonely.

isolation
insomnia
the lonely hearts
beat fastest;

insanity
is ianthine
(or so I'm told)
the lonely hearts
beat fastest;

ichongram
left in the sand
the lonely hearts
beat fastest;

footsteps fall
away from it all
the lonely hearts
beat fastest;

sleeping ictus
is the soul
the lonely hearts
beat fastest;

refusing to sleep
ideopraxist
the lonely hearts
beat fastest;

ifsoever ignivomous love
did my soul take over
illaqueate my pulse
my whole being
my heart would simply slow
because you see,
as i've mentioned
only the lonely hearts
beat fastest;

Saturday, November 13, 2010

day one hundred-eighteen: invincible me.

there are days
that i am invincible
its not just a feeling
i really am
and i can do anything
too
i can break anything
go anywhere
make something happen
that wouldn't happen without me
but the other days
i roll out of bed
and
before my feet hit the floor
the world has defeated me
today i'm afraid to put my feet on the ground
i'm afraid to see
if today i'll be weak
or invincible me
the days i'm weak
i'd rather just lay here
and hide from it all.

Friday, November 12, 2010

day one hundred-seventeen: maybe someday i'll stop running.

there might be a day
when i need to catch my breath
(much like to day
it's safe to bet)
that i'll need a second to stop and rest
there'll be a place where i must crash
and maybe a place to burn for a second or two
and there might be a day
that i'll stop running
and doing and being and seeing
long enough to pause and be
just silly little me
maybe someday i'll stop running
long enough to catch my breath...

but i don't see that day,
i'm doubting it'll ever get here
and sometimes i think thats good
others i feel like i'm outrunning time
either way, i think i'm looking for that day
the day i can be me.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

day one hundred-sixteen: i don't feel.

i don't feel you
there anymore
because you aren't?
because you never
really were?

i don't feel you
i don't feel a thing
i'm growing numb to this life
to this pain.

you helped me sense
the realness within me
and the fake things too
you helped me feel
the things that were made of me
and thanks,
but now i don't feel at all
so now i'm left to wonder:
is it better to have felt then not,
than to have never felt at all?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

day one hundred-fifteen: my puzzle box.

["Solitude is as needle to the imagination as society is wholesome for the character." -- James Russel Lowell]

sometimes i long for solitude
and no one understands
there's something in being alone
with thoughts and feelings
and figuring out what they all really mean
and how they all fit
like a jigsaw puzzle
of a million pieces
all inside the box
that is my brain
and they must be taken out
in solitude and pieced together
one by minuscule one
until a few match up
and fit together
to make a little bit of sense
but solitude doesn't last forever
and into the bustling world i must go
so the pieces may be pulled apart
and hidden away again
only to be shaken up
by the noises and sounds of the days
so i'll live my life
longing for that solitude
or someone to help me piece together
the pieces in my puzzle box.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

day one hundred-fourteen: avoiding the voicing.

avoiding
the inevitable
voicing
the opinion
avoiding
the problem
voicing
the pain
avoiding
the inane
voicing
the crazy
avoiding
being lazy
voicing
the inevitable

Monday, November 8, 2010

day one hundred-thirteen: that ringing.

that ringing
make it stop
that ringing
from the clock
that ringing
here it comes
that ringing
behind the drums
that ringing
in my ears
that ringing
so many years
that ringing
will it stop?
that ringing
from the top
that ringing
in infinity

Sunday, November 7, 2010

day one hundred-twelve: time for me.

time for me
to liberate
to live
to love
to lie

time for me
to find
to flee
to forget
to fly

time for me
to escape
to emancipate
to examine
to elaborate

time for me
to be.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

day one hundred-eleven: where real beauty lies.

sad how you
cant see
that i am
beautifully me
because you're too
wrapped up in you

sad how you
wont see
that my God loves me
because you have to be
a certain size to please yours

sad how you
must bring
the hateful words
to pull me down
because you cant see
where real beauty lies

[inside]

Friday, November 5, 2010

day one hundred-ten: the lover's cry.

"...let him never die..."

oh, how a heart can be torn
twisted, smashed, burned
and still survive,

"...one question haunts and hurts, too much! too much to mention... was i really seeking good or just seeking attention...?"

sometimes the things we wish
for those we hate or those we love
aren't what they need
are only what we want for ourselves
but we're just too afraid to attempt
to change ourselves

"is that all good deeds are when looked at with an ice cold eye?"

so, i'll question my deeds, my actions, my thoughts
i'll look at them from every angle
mix them around, and examine them again
and i'll pray that my good deeds
that my lover's cry
is really what we both need

"somethings i cannot change, but till i try i'll never know, too long i've been afraid of losing love i guess i've lost well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost!"

so instead of asking you to change
i'll see myself through different eyes
i'll make sure i realize
that i'm really me...

"and if i'm flying solo, at least i'm flying free"

and it's probably best for you,
and, well, for me.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

day one hundred-nine: that cat.

what i need
is a strong willed
independent
nearly hateful cat

because no matter
how much it hates you
you feed it,
you love it,
you even cuddle it,
and it'll always be there
because secretly
it loves you too,
only secretly
because cat's have
that independent air
in which they live
and an image they must uphold
just like everyone else.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

day one hundred-eight: to speak the language.

wickedly despicable
gravity defying
mind blowing
tone envying
phones ringing
pause the life
and let the music happen
find the rhythm
find the rhyme
follow them
into no-time
hear the laugher
stand and clap
feel the low notes
tickling your diaphragm
let the high notes
take you higher
make you feel
that much lighter
let that music take you over
because music:
"music s too strong a language
for me not to speak"

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

day one hundred-seven: funny now, funny how.

funny how
you can't hear me
over your own complaints
funny now
that you're saying those things
because that's the opposite of how i feel
funny how
life works out
funny now
that you don't matter as much as i'd like for you to.

Monday, November 1, 2010

day one hundred-six: incomplete.

i dont
think in complete thoughts
not ones that end in periods
but ones that end with blanks
fill them in
if you'd like
but it wont matter to me
because my sentences are never
completely
complete
anymore