day one hundred fifty-eight: high school, oh, high school.

the past
such a warm fuzzy place
even if it isn't full of perfect memories
it's so nice to be there
because if you're looking back
that means you survived it
and those trials you experienced
that you thought would kill you
merely kept you stumped for a while
and now you're looking back
through the boxes of high school memories
thinking and remembering
and reliving the past
and seeing all those opportunities missed
and all those opportunities taken
and all those smiles that were spent
with people you never thought you'd miss
until tomorrow, that is
and tomorrow's tomorrow,
because those days aren't warm and fuzzy
and tomorrow never will be for certain
because you've got no control
it's coming and there's no stopping it
no staying in this moment forever
you're closer and closer to tomorrow
and when you look back on today
this moment
right now
be sure you made it what you want it to be
because it's only warm and fuzzy
if you survive
to look back
on yesterday.

day one hundred-three: what I'm looking for.

On the quest for understanding

Can you see from where I’m coming,

Where I’m going

Where I’m standing?

Theres a reason

A rhyme

A rhythm in

These footsteps of mine

I’m looking

Searching, longing

To be “gotten”

To be seen and believed

There’s a longing

That is born within

And it will not stop tugging

Until this battle I win

And there’s a riddle

To be solved

Can I be understood

And loved?

I think I can

I feel I should

Somewhat like that engine

That could…

As a child

I was told

To listen and understand

But now that I’m older

It’s not as easy as that

Listening is a step

Understanding is a leap

It’s seeing even deeper than what lies beneath

There’s a muse inside

She lives in my head

And she tells me that some day

I will be understood

But like most poets

It might just have to wait

Until after I’m dead.

day one hundred-one:

it's funny how

you still feel the same

and tasted the same

but at the same time

so much is no longer the same

after kisses

lips must be bitten

there's almost always talk of kittens

and sometimes, moments of "whoa"

but usually it's just us

two friends

hugging for warmth

and for that inner feeling of "whoa"

from head to toe

that a "real" hug can give

and there's so much to be thought of

but i wont think it tonight

because i can still taste the spaghetti-o's from when

i was eight

thanks, friend

you're great.

day ninety-nine: synthetic personality.

you,

like cling wrap,

you're clear:

when held up to a light

it shines right through you

when put in the dark it

engulfs you

when held to the sky

you're blue,

or whatever shade the sky is that day

and when held above blood

you're red,

it must really stink to be you

all see through

and fake

and not your own.

you cling

and stick because you're so synthetic

that you need someone

to prove your worth

someone to use

abuse

recycle

and reuse you

a never ending cycle

of self-fulfillment

is that what you wanted to be

when you grew up?

because it's what you're becoming,

i just hope you see

that we aren't ignorant

to the synthetic soul of yours

you can only fake it for so long

before the real you shines through

or, in your case, is seen through

and it's sad, because i like the you i knew

too bad you were pretending

you were just being

who you were with

and now, the sickest part is

i miss you

with your synthetic, cling wrap soul.

day ninety-three: people change.

some days

people change

and wake up

and they are not who

they were

when the laid down

the night before

some days

people change

and they aren't ever who

they were

when they laid down

the night before

some days

people change

and they never go back to who

they were

when they laid down

the night before

some days

people change

and they never tell those who

they were

that they wont be back to how

they were

when they laid down

the night before

what i'm saying is

some days

people change

and they forget to tell

each other.

day forty-nine: God said so.

something

i did

it was the hardest thing

i've ever chosen to do

but it was the right thing

God said so.

but now there's you

and staying away

is the hardest thing i'm doing now

and i don't really want to

honestly, i'd rather not

but it is the right thing to do

for right now

God said so.

day forty-five: adventures.

i want to take you to a place

thats public

but not

a place called the park

where we can swing

on rubber seats

attached to metal poles by sturdy chains

and we can be free

i want to sit out on a quilt

and take pictures of your face

as the sun sets

and eat grapes and cheese

(because you know that's

my new favorite combination)

with you while we talk about music

and people

and what we want to do with ourselves

and the things we are unsure of

and the things we are positive of

and discuss books that we want to read

and how many i might write someday

we can walk and talk

then drive and listen

and just exist

exploring

ourselves with one another

from the outside in.

i want to go on adventures with you

will that be okay?

day forty-two: who are you?

i feel you

i see you

i smell you

you're here

but who are you?

/

i thought i knew?

guess i was wrong...

but don't misunderstand

i do want to know

so i'll roll your name

around on my tongue until it rolls out

like dough beneath a bakers hand

/

and i'll say it aloud until it is as simple as

saying "hello" when answering a telephone

and "have a nice day" after receiving a tip from a customer

even "do you want power play?" when selling a lottery ticket

/

that's what you are to me

the jackpot

/

a winning ticket

that is being carried in my pocket

like an unfulfilled dream

not yet cashed in

but still a winner

/

that's you

and i'll know you better

day after day

/

who are you, again?

i don't think i ever really knew,

but i'm always up for learning

something new.

day thirty-nine: my back hurts

my back hurts

from this week

it's been a heavy week.

and my back hurts

from being a woman

oh, what a curse at times.

my back hurts

from laughing so hard

at all the silly things you do.

my back hurts

because love is heavy

and i love you.

day thirty-seven: the loss of Velv.

in this exact moment

i hate everything

i hate the way breathing feels

i hate the way holding my breath feels

i hate my fingers

i hate my friends

i hate being beneath these sheets

in this exact moment

i question everything i have ever loved

and why it was important to me

in this moment

i hate it all

i hate knowing

but i also hated wondering

i hate knowing that she is gone

i hate the hate that is suffocating me

i hate that loss is necessary for life

i hate that now i have to walk down to where she is buried

to cry

cry

cry

cry

because she is gone

never to bark at me

to express to me

that she wants me to throw the ball

or to move over so she can have the seat next to the armrest

so she can sit on my lap, which she hardly ever did

so she can sleep on my feet, like she used to

so she can get in my bed and chew a hole through my favorite quilt

simply because she couldn't sleep or the storm outside the house made her nervous

she will never

ride shotgun

and stick her wet nose

all over my window

and it will not be there for weeks

annoying me because it looks like a two year old

licked their finger and painted on the window

she wont do that anymore

because she isn't here.

she's under the trees,

below the birds she used to bark at,

she's beneath the soil

in the lower pasture.

she's my Velvet,

and she's not here anymore.

day twenty-one: the "we".

every day

we go farther away

from where i thought

we'd be today

when i'd dream

of these days

these days we are in now

i didn't see these walls, chasms, gulfs and mountains

i saw us, happy: free.

well, i was mistaken

or the different roads we've taken

have just led us in the same direction

without much of a common situation

of which we can converse...

so here, we stand

in someplace i never thought i'd be

wondering who you are

and how you became more like you

while i became more like me

and those people we grew into

became less like the "we" we used to be...?