day one hundred fifty: where credit is due.

i must say
that i must
give credit
where credit
is due
i must say
that i was
thrilled to finally
be seeing you
until that is
i noticed
that you don't even
care about
the people you "love"
and "treasure"
only the ones you've
recently been around
and that's fine,
sure whatever
i must bid you adieu
because at least you don't pretend to care
like others i know that do.

day eighty-seven: hello, stop.

hello

stop yelling

i can hear you miles away

hello

stop shouting

your kids can understand a whisper

hello

stop being so loud

we are right here in front of you, literally

hello

stop swearing

your kids don't want to know what those words really mean

hello

stop

you need to breath worse than me.

day thirty-seven: the loss of Velv.

in this exact moment

i hate everything

i hate the way breathing feels

i hate the way holding my breath feels

i hate my fingers

i hate my friends

i hate being beneath these sheets

in this exact moment

i question everything i have ever loved

and why it was important to me

in this moment

i hate it all

i hate knowing

but i also hated wondering

i hate knowing that she is gone

i hate the hate that is suffocating me

i hate that loss is necessary for life

i hate that now i have to walk down to where she is buried

to cry

cry

cry

cry

because she is gone

never to bark at me

to express to me

that she wants me to throw the ball

or to move over so she can have the seat next to the armrest

so she can sit on my lap, which she hardly ever did

so she can sleep on my feet, like she used to

so she can get in my bed and chew a hole through my favorite quilt

simply because she couldn't sleep or the storm outside the house made her nervous

she will never

ride shotgun

and stick her wet nose

all over my window

and it will not be there for weeks

annoying me because it looks like a two year old

licked their finger and painted on the window

she wont do that anymore

because she isn't here.

she's under the trees,

below the birds she used to bark at,

she's beneath the soil

in the lower pasture.

she's my Velvet,

and she's not here anymore.

day nineteen: healing.

time

to tell

just how

much

the truth

will

set you

free.

time

to see

just how

long

it will

take me

to

see.

time to

hear me

when

i tell

you

how i

feel.

please

don't just

listen

to me,

help me

heal.

day eighteen: until tonight.

letting so many things

slip from my lips

has never felt

so insanely unbearable

until tonight

letting so many truths

fall from my tongue

has never felt

so heart breaking

until tonight

watching so many disappointed glances

mask your face

has never felt

so disgusting

until tonight

hearing that we still have "trust issues"

with such a tone in your voice

has never felt

so gut-wrenchingly painful

until tonight

seeing that look

of "understanding"

has never felt

so frustrating

until tonight

thanks for listening

so, until tomorrow then,

goodnight.

day nine: trying to figure out me.

you say you want me to be happy with me

you say you don't want me to hide behind the things i do

but what you don't get is:

i am young

i am free

i am and trying to figure out me

some days i like going

some days i'd rather stay put

some days i'm insane with laughter

some days i'm quiet and somber

some days i'm the me you want me to be

other days i'm not.

so let me try me on for size

let me figure me out

one day at a time

i'm happy,

(or, at least, i'm learning how to be)

i promise.

(life is too short not to be)

because i'm trying new things

i'm finding me

i'm not standing still all the time

i'm not stuck, although most days in my head,

i do feel that way.

i'm figuring out the world

by being in it.

i'm not afraid of what or who i'll find

because i know i'm out there somewhere,

i know i'm waiting to be found

and the search is fun thus far, my friend,

and i feel more beautiful than a falling star.