day fifty-two: things i cant see.

i've noticed

that i can never love myself

exactly where i am in time

in the present

i look at photos and think

"whoa, i was pretty"

or read old poems and think

"man, i've got a gift"

but i never can look at something,

oh, say myself, in the mirror

and say, "whoa, there. you're beautiful."

i can imagine where i'll be

in ten, twenty, fifty years,

i see happiness

and i think

"oh, man i cannot wait to get there."

i see myself so happy that do not care

what my face looks like

or how big around my thighs are

and i think to myself

"in the course of a lifetime what does it matter?"

and i smile to myself

because i cannot wait to be there.

happy.

with me.

why cant i just be that way now?

something's wrong

with the wires in my brain

when i see a mirror

i see a scowl

i don't think happy

i think "what now?"

there's something blocking

the happy synapse in my brain

from firing this second

instead it's striking back to the beauty

and looking forward to happiness.

help?